Absence- A Definition

What does it mean to miss? Merriam-Webster’s  second definition of the word is, “to discover or feel the absence of.”

Absence means, “a state or condition in which something expected, wanted, or looked for is not present or does not exist.”

What does this actually mean for the one who misses? The one who is without the child who was expected?

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I miss my daughter. I MISS my baby.  She was expected, wanted and looked for. Now, she does not exist except in my heart and mind.

Who I am- who I’ve become- defines the word miss for me. Every breath I take has a faint pang of sorrow. When I look at my baby’s pictures, I have to convince myself her chest is not rising and falling. It’s just wishful thinking. My entire being- physical, emotional and mental- experiences anguish. My daughter left a gaping hole inside me when she died.

My womb and my being were void.

 

Absence. Silence.

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Sculpture by The Midnight Orange TheMidnightOrange.com

I don’t just miss my daughter, or feel her absence. I live it. I live with it.

My daughter and I shared a life force for 9 months. We knew each other. I knew she loved music and dancing.  She knew my heart’s song.  I knew she loved to snuggle. She knew my touch. I knew she loved me to sing to her. She knew my voice. She knew her daddy’s voice, as well, and bounced with joy when she heard him.

There is an empty chair in the kindergarten classroom this year, or there should be. It seems cruel the way the world goes on as if nothing happened. As if she never existed. My world was shattered in an instant. When I speak about my life, there is a very clear before and after. I find I can not tell my story without including the tragedy that struck five years ago.

Five years. She would be so big! I would give anything to hear my sweet girl’s voice read to me for the first time. To see her eyes light up as she peeks at me over her book…

…As I write this, I feel very emotionally fatigued. My brain is starting to shut down and I feel an anxiety attack rearing its ugly head. I suppose this is what it means to miss a child. It is unpredictable. I don’t think I can finish this the way I intended, but I will end with this: expectations built my world. I saw my future in my unborn child. Cruel circumstances shattered that anticipation and left me with an emptiness where she should have been and should still be.

I feel her absence with each breath. I miss her and what could have been.

~ Blogger: Ashley Seymour Felix

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