Owned by Ashley Seymour Felix, this blog is dedicated as an outlet for the life-long grief, inner turmoil, and roller coaster of emotion surrounding the loss of a baby- more specifically, stillbirth. Here in the Pink and Blue Room, we won’t sugar coat anything. We do REAL. We do RAW. We do UGLY. Our hearts will be laid open to help others who are living the never ending nightmare of pregnancy and infant loss.
“We lost our perfect, beautiful Lorelei on April 30, 2012 at 36 weeks 6 days, one day before I was supposed to be induced. She was going to need surgery after she was born and would spend time in the NICU because she had a gastroschisis (her bowel, stomach, and bladder had come through a hole in her abdominal wall beside the umbilical cord). We were prepared for that and had come to terms with it, but we were NOT expecting to never bring her home.
To make matters worse and put more questions and feelings of anger and frustration into my mind, we had gone to an ultrasound on Thursday, April 26th (4 days before we lost her) and they said her heart rate was dangerously high (tachycardia) and they might have to do an emergency C-section. They admitted me to Labor & Delivery and monitored her for about 8 hours. They kept me overnight and sent me home because her heart rate leveled out. They scheduled me for another ultrasound on Monday, April 30.
Monday morning I woke up about 6 AM and realized I hadn’t felt her move since I went to bed. We [my husband & I] rushed to the hospital. They were unable to find a heartbeat and confirmed it with an ultrasound. Our sweet little Lorelei had left us during the six hours I was asleep. She had been a planned pregnancy (we would have loved her just the same if she hadn’t been, but it changes her story a bit).
We SO looked forward to meeting our little girl. When we found out she was gone I wanted so badly to find somewhere to place the blame, myself, or the doctors who sent me home after being so concerned…I’m still swimming in a sea of “ifs”. If I had been more aware of her movements while I was sleeping, would she still be alive? If I hadn’t been in nesting mode that night and worked so hard, would she still be alive? I have so many scenarios that may have saved her life playing over and over in my head that it’s driving me crazy. I haven’t yet accepted the fact that it’s not my fault. If it’s not my fault, why do I feel so guilty for my precious daughter’s death? These questions rage in my head.
Only once have I had thoughts of anger toward God, but I know God is not the taker of life, nor the one who causes such pain. He is the One who gives me strength to get through the pain, torment, and trials the Devil hurls at me. God is the One who grants peace of mind and enlightens my heart. He is the One who gave me my dear Lorelei and allowed me to experience such a powerful love. My love for her and my faithfulness to God will allow me to be reunited with my Lorelei one day. God, Himself, will place her back into my arms so I may raise her and watch her grow in a perfect world; a world where there will be no more pain, no more sorrow. Death will not follow us there.