B-Seven.

Seven years.

S E V E N

I’m having a hard time even putting my thoughts into words because ‘SEVEN YEARS’  is the only phrase tossing about in my head- like a ball in a bingo cage. I suppose the ball would have a ‘B7’ on it, wouldn’t it? They would all have B7 on them. Birthday-7.

I’m cold. Inside and out. Not so much emotionally cold as I am physically cold. My body is just…just tired. “Struggling to write,” is an understatement. I’m shivering and my anxiety is overwhelming, but I must write. I must write, or I will fold in on myself and perhaps never unfold again.

I told myself and my family I was going to make a cake for Lorelei again this year. I put a reminder on the calendar. I have the ingredients. I made mental notes of a simple design. Have I made the cake? No. Have I made sure the cake pans are dust-free? No. Have I intended to do these things all day? YES. Will I make the cake? I simply don’t know.

I feel like a failure as a mother because I can’t even make a cake for my baby’s birthday. It’s one day every year. ONE day. If you know what it means to lose a baby, you know that the ‘one day’ is actually every day- this one is just more intense because of the pressure you put on yourself to do something for your child who doesn’t even expect you to perform!

Isn’t it funny how we do this to ourselves? We cram so much emotional and mental anguish into one day that we are nearly crippled by it. Even with this knowledge, we won’t change it because the pain feels good.

Yes, I said, “the pain feels good.” Hear me out.

Think about what would happen to us if pain didn’t exist- physical, emotional, or otherwise. It’s a necessity. If you hurt yourself, pain tells you something is wrong and where. If you couldn’t feel pain, you may lose a limb or your even your life. If I didn’t feel the constant ache my daughter left with me, I’m afraid I would forget. The pain keeps her with me always. I love her and I love the pain she left behind.

I have to get back to the game, now. The cage is rolling and B7 is coming up next- I can feel it. One more and…

Bingo.

In Memory of Lorelei Grace. Born sleeping 4-30-2012.